Thursday, May 29, 2008

Barn Show Routine

The Dialogue from my barn theatre standup show
Actually, I don’t have any game compared to some of the guys I knew in Vermont. My friends would get laid like tile. They would take girls out to seven course meals, which consisted of a six pack and a potato, and the ladies would love 'em. Their idea of safe sex was locking the car doors. It was that and and saran wrap and a rubber band.
But, that’s just kind of how it is in Vermont. I think it’s because everyone is so poor. Hell, it takes twenty people to get a full set of teeth. Everything I owned was a hand me down, even my toothbrush. Our family car was a skateboard. For awhile money was so tight we had to unplug our clocks at night.
They’re not exactly geniuses out there in the cuts of Vermont either. They refer to the fifth grade as your senior year. The valedictorian locked himself in a grocery store and starved to death. Last year the farmers discovered a new use for sheep…wool.
It’s like a scene from Deliverance. My family tree is shaped like a wreath. The nice thing about all that incest is that when you go Christmas shopping for your girlfriend, your aunt, and your sister, you just have to get one gift. Incest is why I have poor eye-sight. I can’t see anything without contacts and all five of my siblings can’t see shit. All of us used to run into walls when we were kids. My dad he had the worse eyesight out of all of us. He couldn't even read the directions on the Trojan.
Vermont can be a little weird though as they have huge sterotypes. They think if you have a pig and a cow, you’re bisexual. And they think that homosexuality is a disease, but fuck man when was the last time you could call in gay to work? Hold hand to ear Yeah hey boss ate dinner in the Castro.
I wanted to go to school at UCSC. So I packed my bags in Vermont and pulled out like I was Catholic.
I moved out to Santa Cruz but was too poor to afford a place. Plus I have to pay for climbing gear, pay for books, and pay for food. These days I’m so broke I can’t afford to pay attention. So I moved into the redwoods behind campus. I could change and become a normal member of society with a roof but the only way I could afford a place would be to take part in a scandalous activity, namely work. That’s a four letter word that ranks with fuck and shit in my book. I’m in school to avoid that blashphemous act. I’m in college because I want to find a slinky, beautiful, generous, extremely rich college girl and marry her mom. That’s why I’m taking so many geology classes. I’m going to be a gold digger.
It’ll be awhile before I can get my degree and I need a place. I went to an outdoor store and got a great deal on a three-man pup tent. They scammed me though as it didn’t include three men or a pup. I set it up in the forest behind Merrill College and discovered the problems with the outdoor life.
There were forty-three days of rain earlier this spring and it demanded that I find reasonable shelter, so I did what any reasonable man would do when faced with forty days of rain. I built an ark. Soon the animals in the forest heard about my vessel and began congregating around my tent. I woke one morning to the tickle of a tick on my balls and a Komodo dragon lurking beneath my pillow. I was sick of the infestations and I showed no mercy to the next invader. The next day when I found a worm in my sleeping bag, I buried that fucker alive.
The rain slowed but all my stuff smelled horrible. I had to put a tic-tac in my asshole so my shit wouldn’t stink.
It’s impossible to bring ladies back to the tent. Women think I’m either Ted Kaczynski or an Ewok, so I’m either a hairy nutcase running around in the woods or a political terrorist. Besides, anyone willing to spend a night in a bug infested tent with a filthy Neanderthal is way too dirty for me.
I have saved a lot of money from not paying rent. I switched from Mickey’s to Pabst, from smooth peanut butter to crunchy, and now my jelly is strawberry instead of K.Y. So if there are any girls who want some to drink cheap beer, eat chunky peanut butter, and roll around in strawberry jelly. I’m your man.

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