Thursday, January 2, 2014

The Best Christmas Prank Ever: aka How I Am A Genius

“HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!  YOU”VE BEEN A VERY GOOD GIRL ANNIE! HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!”  Seven different Santa Claus impersonators called Annie within an hour and a half.  She panicked, unsure why her phone kept ringing with fake Santas from Los Angeles.

It started when I gave her a ride to the airport.  On the dash of my Saturn, I keep a collection of baseball caps.  My Retired and Loving It hat sits above the stereo and never moves.  My grey Patagonia hat comes out during climbing trips.  My Stihl Chainsaw hat only leaves the car when I want to look like a dashing lumberjack.  Of my 3 hats, it’s my newest and favorite. 

At 9am, I stopped at Annie’s house.  At 9:15, we drove towards SLC airport.  At 9:40, she sent me a picture from the plane.  She was wearing my Stihl Chainsaw hat.  She stole my hat from my car while I was being nice and giving her a ride to the airport on an early Saturday morning.  Over the next few days, she sent me pictures of the hat in California.  Here’s a picture of your hat on a Merry-Go-Round.  Here’s a picture of your hat at a yardsale, lost in a bunch of other hats.  Here’s a picture of your hat on a statue in a San Luis Obispo park.  The photos kept coming and I kept getting angrier.


After three days of taunting photos, I decided to fight back.  I sat done at my computer, went to Craigs List.  I clicked on Gigs and then Talent Wanted.  I typed away.

Santa Claus Voice Acting-$500 Casting Call

As part of a last minute Christmas event, our production company, Paramount Pictures, is looking to play a voice over of Santa Claus.  We want a 10 second clip of a “Ho-ho-ho” that sounds jovial.  We want to hear Santa’s smile through the recording. 

The most talented Santa Claus voice will be brought into the studio December 25th for a last minute recording of half an hour.

Transportation will be provided from anywhere within 200 miles of the Hollywood studio.  The voice actor will receive a $500 cash compensation for their time.

To save time on casting please call and leave a voice message of your best Santa impression to 555-555-5555

Annie Trujillo
Casting Director
Paramount Recording
6245 Santa Monica Boulevard
Hollywood, CA 90038

I posted the ad and leaned back on the couch.  I laughed.  Annie was in for it- the “HO HO HO!”s would stop when I got my ha-ha-hat.  


An hour and a half later, Annie posted on Facebook, "Woah. Hacked for a casting call on craigslist.  I hope none of you did this as it isn't funny remotely."I laughed even more. I was a fucking genius.  I was brilliant and funny.  Maybe the smartest man in the room and certainly the funniest.  Sure nobody else was there but I couldn't stop laughing.    


2 comments:

Matthew Sloan said...

This was meant to go here.

Matthew J. Sloan
5171 Tollgate Road
New Hope, PA 18938


Dear James,
Maybe it was two years ago, or maybe just a bit longer than that, I was taking a lunch break from work. Guess it was the autumn? – I’m not certain and it doesn’t matter here anyway. I was working on a construction project up on a hill just outside of Princeton, NJ. During lunch I would generally listen to podcasts and walk around in a tiny forest preserve after I had eaten my canned, smoked herring and rice. I always ate this lunch and I always ate it cold with a habanero hot sauce – I was thinking it was a good step towards greater cardiovascular health… I’ll find out someday I suppose.
The Dirtbag Diaries – I’d been listening to a lot of the Dirtbag Diaries podcasts at the time and had thought that I’d made it through all of them in order. I’d missed an episode though - one of ‘The Shorts’, and, of course, it was ‘Yosemite’s Next Top Idol’.
Right away it was one of my favorite episodes. I remember thinking – how excellent this is that someone has created a dream and a vision for happiness, purpose, discipline, and simple living. I was envious of your quest to walk away from pavement and towards granite. And yea, I guess we all secretly want our own Facebook, fan-club page.
Last week, two days before New Year’s, I met a couple of old friends for drinks in New York. We spoke of some of our old adventures and also of some of more recent ones. Fitz Cahall came up in the conversation and immediately I mentioned your episode for some reason – it was the first in line. I believe I mentioned something about an aspiring climber in the Valley and also how I thought that the macadamia nut limit mandated by Platinum Rob was pretty hilarious. My friend knew exactly who I was talking about. He said, ‘that’s James Lucas, Big-Fall James.’ He explained the Big-Fall thing and what had happened in Joshua Tree – I hadn’t remembered that part of your story, but… pretty crazy.
This friend, he told me to check out your blog and so I have. I enjoy the sentiment, sincerity, and, what seems like, great honesty in your writing.
It occurred to me that your reading on the DBDs had stood above all of the rest, in my mind, because of the way that you went about capturing something. You wanted to become a legend - and so you did.
Keep working, man - keep climbing and keep writing. Sometimes your actions can inspire people that you’ve never met and I’m pretty certain that you will continue to do so. Have a great 2014, James.
Best,
Matt Sloan

p.s. – I had forgotten the nickname, ‘the Dictionary’ – one of the best I’ve ever heard.

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