Bailout: The Musical

FRAGMENTS FROM BAILOUT! THE MUSICAL featured in the New Yorker written by Ben Greenman

A wallet is on a desk. A DOLLAR BILL pokes his head out.

DOLLAR BILL:
Let me introduce myself
I’m a dollar bill
Once I was the source
Of unlimited goodwill
People all around the world
Thought I was fantastic
The planet ran on paper
Before it ran on plastic
But now trust in me
Has been badly eroded
Thanks to lousy credit
I’ve been overloaded

Next to him, a CREDIT CARD stirs.

CREDIT CARD:
I couldn’t help but overhear
And I have to say I’m shocked
Why the hell would you blame me
And not blame common stocks?
Wasn’t it the market
That fell down on the job
By appealing to the basest
Instincts of the mob?

A STOCK CERTIFICATE rises off the desk nearby and unfolds.

STOCK CERTIFICATE:
Do you really think
That this bad feeling and rancor
Ever would have happened
If not for the bankers?
They’re the ones who led us
Into rank overextension
The way that they have acted
Is beyond my comprehension

The DOLLAR BILL, the CREDIT CARD, and the STOCK CERTIFICATE squabble. The DOLLAR BILL raises his voice. The STOCK CERTIFICATE threatens the CREDIT CARD. Finally, a nearby CHECKBOOK speaks up.

CHECKBOOK:
All of you, stop. Will you, please?
I don’t want to see a fight
The truth is that you all are wrong
And also that you all are right
This fix we’re in, you see
Is unimaginably complex
Monies are all intertwined
Y regresses onto x
Lehman, Merrill, A.I.G.
No one knows a thing, you see
Let’s all relax. Let’s take a rest
The coolest heads can think the best
I have a film I want to show
O.K.?

DOLLAR BILL:
O.K.

CREDIT CARD:
O.K.

STOCK CERTIFICATE:
Let’s go

The CHECKBOOK pulls down a movie screen from the ceiling and, with the CREDIT CARD’s help, starts a projector. An image of Treasury Secretary HENRY PAULSON appears onscreen.

DOLLAR BILL:
Who’s the old guy?
He looks smart

CREDIT CARD:
Shh…the movie’s
About to start

HENRY PAULSON speaks.

HENRY PAULSON:
Come now, travel with me
Back to 2001
Remember the big boom?
That was an awful lot of fun
Alan Greenspan warned
About the bursting bubble
He lowered all the interest rates
To try to forestall trouble
That led in turn to a big run
On purchases of real estate
Offset falling stock prices
With property? It all seemed great
But then the subprime borrowers
Started to default
And our proud economy
Began to grind to a halt

The DOLLAR BILL snores.

CREDIT CARD:
What the hell?
The dollar’s snoring

DOLLAR:
Sorry, guys
This movie’s boring

JOHN MCCAIN appears onscreen.

CHECKBOOK:
It’s going to get exciting quick
That guy with white hair is a maverick

Onscreen, JOHN MCCAIN speaks.

JOHN MCCAIN:
I’m suspending my campaign
To focus on finance
This is a pressing, dire
Unprecedented circumstance

My friends, I want to tell you
I’ll work until the crisis ends
Nothing is more important
I hope you understand, my friends

The first debate must wait
The economy is failing
And sadly that will mean
Delaying Biden-Palin

BARACK OBAMA objects to the postponement.

BARACK OBAMA:
What? You’re kidding
You wouldn’t dare
I’m going down to Mississippi
I’ll expect to see you there

DOLLAR BILL:
I don’t get it at all
My friends? Mississippi?
This movie is weird,
It’s disjointed and trippy

The CHECKBOOK stops the projector.

STOCK CERTIFICATE:
Come on, man. Don’t stop the show
Dollar can’t shut up, you know

CHECKBOOK:
I won’t restart the projector
It’s off for the time being
I want to know that Dollar
Understands the things he’s seeing

DOLLAR BILL:
I understand—I’m sure I do
A financier once dropped a shoe
The second one was due for dropping
But in the meantime, he kept hopping

CHECKBOOK:
I have to say that I’m not sure
I understand your metaphor

CREDIT CARD:
This is insane
Let me explain

The CREDIT CARD turns to the DOLLAR BILL and speaks in a soft voice, trying not to lose his temper.

CREDIT CARD:
Ben Bernanke
Met a bank he
Didn’t like
Then another
And another
He called Mike
Bloomberg, and Bob Dole
Buffett, Nunn, and Volcker
Bernanke and Paulson then
Set up some very high-stakes poker
They bet that they could patch
The holes in the dike
With half a trillion dollars
And perhaps a small tax hike
They thought that now
Was the time to strike
Ben Bernanke
Met a bank he
Didn’t like

DOLLAR BILL:
O.K., O.K.
Let’s watch some more
I promise you
That I won’t snore

The CHECKBOOK restarts the movie. In it, President GEORGE W. BUSH is presiding over an emergency meeting.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
Let me start by saying
That I don’t understand
A single thing about
The Invisible Hand
Or rates, or banks, or credit
Or mortgages or loans
But I know where my big desk is
And how to use the phones
And that is why I’ve called you
Here this afternoon
We need to fix this problem
And we need to fix it soon
A panic now is creeping
Over city, state, and town
If money isn’t loosened up
This sucker could go down

The group turns to WARREN BUFFET for advice, since he is massively rich.

WARREN BUFFET:
This economic Pearl Harbor
Has cooled off investors’ ardor
Everything must be adjusted
We need some help or we’ll be busted

A $700 billion bailout is proposed. REPUBLICAN CONGRESSIONAL LEADERSHIP is displeased.

REPUBLICAN CONGRESSIONAL LEADERSHIP:
We remain staunchly defiant
Government can’t get too giant
Seven hundred billion is an awful lot to spend
When we don’t even know how deep the cracks extend

The Presidential candidates weigh in on the political implications of the crisis.

JOHN MCCAIN:
Party lines are unimportant
We need a united front

BARACK OBAMA:
So why’d you try to sink the debate?
It felt to some like a self-serving stunt

SARAH PALIN:
Look! It’s Russia, over there
Have I mentioned that I hunt?

A compromise is reached. HENRY PAULSON and BEN BERNANKE announce it.

HENRY PAULSON:
Our commitment to financial health
Will soon restore the nation’s wealth

BEN BERNANKE:
It should recover fairly briskly
If not you’ll find me in the whiskey

The film ends.

DOLLAR BILL:
Where’s the rest?
I want to see how it turns out

CHECKBOOK:
Well, it isn’t over yet
We’re in a time of fear and doubt
A major economic funk

DOLLAR BILL:
I have to say, that movie stunk

The DOLLAR BILL, the CREDIT CARD, the STOCK CERTIFICATE, and the CHECKBOOK decide to play cards instead. The DOLLAR BILL, surprisingly, wins most of the hands.


—Ben Greenman