If you’re reading this chances are that you’re not Alex
Honnold, Tommy Caldwell, or Sasha Diguilian.
You’re probably just another slob desperate to be one of those great
climbers. Well there’s two ways to
become that good at climbing- 1: Climb 60 hours a week for 20 years with
special attention on diet and high intensity training. 2: Learn how to make
yourself sound like them.
Here’s a few tips how to improve your spray-
Speak
in the present tense. This
will make it sound like you are in the process or even providing beta from the
side of the cliff. "When I climb
The Nose, I bring an extra one camalot." Nobody will notice that you did
this once, 15 years ago instead they will think you've been climbing The Nose
every week for the past decade.
Specialize your
ascent. Being the first to do
something is always important. Even though 13,876 other climbers have sent the VFun boulder problem
you’ve been projecting for years-highlight the fact that you’re the first Dude
Of Undereducated Child Having Enthusiasts to do the problem. Specialize your ascent- Tell everyone
you’re the first D.O.U.C.H.E to send it!
Remember that you want to start with the most important parts- that
you’re the first person to climb Magic Light (now start mumbling) on a Saturday
(now barely audible) with the last name Jordan (now in a total whisper) and
first name Daniel. (feel free to change route name, day of the week, and ascentionist's name)
Lack Clarity. This isn’t technically lying. “I climb up to 5.14 on El Capitan.” This is true I climb up to it- than I aid
through it. This makes people believe
that I do indeed climb that hard. Also this relates well into the next tip.
Talk Big- Big grades, big routes, big
everything. “I was on 5.14 on El Capitan.” When I use a grades like 5.14 and
formations like El Capitan people become so awestruck with the grandeur associated
with high climbing numbers and large formations that they won’t notice you just
said on. This relates to lacking
clarity. The word on could mean
anything. Dogging, aiding, rappelling, and
even barely touching the route could all mean on. But hey, “I was on 5.14 on El
Capitan”
Know your Vocabulary.
If you intended to climb the route in a day but than epiced, had t shiver bivy
on a ledge with no water, you just were on a push. Same if you dogged the shit out of a route
with the intention of redpointing. You just “felt the holds” The glass is
always half full.
Emphasize the danger-
So you’re ten feet off the ground on an 18-bolt top rope anchor. Sounds to me like you’re in the death zone
with suspect gear. Hey, geriatrics
regularly die from 3 foot falls and ropes and bolts do have a 1 in 100,000,0000
chance of breaking.
Hyphenate your adjectives- Add prefixes
like mega, super, and classic with the suffix EST. The 5.0 route you climbed is now the
super-mega-run-outest route on the entire slab.
It is well known that adding the EST to anything makes it sound
better. Just try it.
Climbing Grades are Subjective. Uprate uprate uprate. Soft 5.11d is close enough to 5.12-, which is
the same as generally saying 5.12. Boom!
You just inflated your ego. Great
Success. This includes danger ratings, which are also highly subjective. One man’s
pillow is another man’s jagged talus field.
Tell Everyone. Believe it or not everyone wants to hear about your climb. I do. Definitely. Making a solid group of subbies, I mean fans, who will promote your dribble. Self-spray is weird but subcontracting your spray is good. Plus have you ever played the game Telephone? A ton of information gets lost as more people talk about you. The details of the ascent become muddled so your 138th redpoint go but first try of the day becomes an onsight. Yes!
You just read nine great tips on how to spray. I doubt you even noticed that I didn’t have a
tenth. That's because I sprayed about having ten tips- you don't actually need to come through with what you say- it's just spray. Now, you're on your way to become the next Alex Honnold. With my tips, you’ll be
the hard man campusing the slab route at the local chossy crag. Get out
there and SPRAY.
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